Relationships are like bank accounts. One must invest significantly before they are able to withdraw on them.
Love, compassion, care, and concern are investments into the personal account. When we have to extend a consequence to the students, this is a withdrawal from the account. While, as teachers, we can extend discipline at any time, the student is much more likely to respond positively to the discipline, if we have made significant contributions and investments in the relational account.
This, I feel, is paramount to our success with moving children. Students have to feel as though we have invested in them in order to let us withdraw on the account.
Students must always understand that we "care enough to make them better."
"While, as teachers, we can extend discipline at any time, the student is much more likely to respond positively to the discipline, if we have made significant contributions and investments in the relational account."
I love this and agree with this wholeheartedly. I am fortunate to be able to have my students for, at least 3 years, so we have a lot of time to build our relationships. They know that I am hard on them, and I am, because I care. By now, the older ones can quote me (and they do!), "If I didn't care I wouldn't be mad, sad, disappointed, happy, elated-I simply wouldn't care". I have always been honest with my students and they know that I mean what I say and I say what I mean; when I tell them I care, I know they believe it. It's a good feeling.
Very well said. I find even with the most challenging students, if I stick to my word, they eventually begin to trust me. They may not like consequences, and they might be upset with me for extending them- but in the end, I believe they know I will fight for them. And they know I will be fair.
Anytime I have a student with me, I try to end our conversation by reminding them that I care, and that I have their back. It may not mean much to some of them, but with others, I can tell they know and believe that, when it comes down to it, I will be there for them and will do whatever I can to help them.
I agree with all of you ladies! And I love the quotes! People often wonder how I get the toughest kids to listen to me and sometimes I don't know, I just know that I teach them that I love them like they are my own children and I expect nothing but the best for them just like I do my own two boys. And trust is such a key factor for them, especially when the people they should be able to trust (family) tend to be the ones who fail them or let them down. Whenever I have to reprimand them they never hold it against me for long because once the punishment is given and served the situation is over and done with and they still know I love them regardless. I didn't realize how much of a bond I truly had with the students who came through my classroom until I took the time to reflect last year. I always think that they are going to hate me because I am so tough on them but it's the complete opposite. They respect me and know that I respect them and hold them at a place of high regards. I guess you would call that "tough love." I always tell them that every day is a new day to do better than we did the day before.
It's so true, and curious, how well they respond to "tough love". I honestly think they crave the structure we give them and the knowledge that we do care, and will continue to care, even on the worst of days. I think some of their lives are so chaotic, they really need the stability we can give them.
Everyone has their own quotes and way of connecting with their students and that's the authentic piece that we need to bring to our teaching. For our students here, relationships are primary and academics are secondary. If they don't have that relationship with you, they simply won't perform. As I was reading Shan's comment, she made me think about how I threat my kids. I think of them as my own, and I always tell parents, "they are my babies,as well as yours, for next 180 days." In conversion, I rarely refer to them as my students- it's either my kids or my babies. They understand that I care and that is a major factor of why they chose to perform (for me). The thing I want to work on is shifting my kids' to having more of intrinsic motivation. The relationship that we will build are great but we need to teach them to function without us as well. What if you don't have a great relationship with your next teacher? What if you don't like someone? Then what..? I think that's part of the reason why a lot of these kids lose ground over the years. Students from low-income families that are either on grade level or above grade level in K-1,lose ground and sometimes fall behind grade-level by the 5th grade. :-(
Eunika, I always tell people if I don't get my students to trust me first, I can forget about teaching them anything! Most already come from a home life where trust is clearly lacking and they have their guards up from day one. I feel like my job first is to love them then I can teach them. And I agree that we have to teach them how to function without us. I often (probably daily) have conversations with my kids about respecting other teachers like they respect me. I tell them it's what I expect because it is what's right and if they can respect and behave for me, they can do it for other teachers as well (whether they like them or not). I never actually thought about that but now that you bring it up I see that I should focus on that just as much as I focus on loving them and teaching them to love and respect one another. I think I was doing it automatically (because I get tired of being told "they don't behave for me!") but now that I am conscious of this I will make sure to make this a "concept" that I teach daily! :)
When I first started in the school system I had blinders on because I thought this was the way all children behave, learn and react to adults. Well then I was moved to another school and I hated it because the children were unruly and disrespectful toward others. Then my husband told me to think about my life after loosing my father. Once I realized that I was more like these children of today then I thought my defense towards them went up. I don't let anyone talk about my kids because they don't know anything about them. I let them know from the start that I love them and that I am here for them to be the best student and citizen possibly. I am strict and firm but I am fair towards all of them and they all know that. I believe that is the foundation of a relationship with children. My expectations for them are as high as my own children and I expect nothing less from them. All children can learn as long as they know they have someone in their corner to love them no matter what happens.
Evelyn, I tell my students the same thing, "the same things I expect from you are the same things I expect from my own children. I don't reward my own children for bad behavior and I will not award you for bad behavior." When they see that I hold them in the same regards as my own children, they believe that I love them just as much as my own children. It's so funny because sometimes they will say, "Ooooh, I don't want to get in trouble like Jarrett did (my oldest son). Or they will say, "Remember Ms. Woodall, you have 16 children! Us plus Jarrett and Christopher!" It makes me feel good that they know that I love them like they are my own and it also serves as a reminder that I need to treat them like I would want my own children treated (sometimes I need that reminder on those oh so tough days)!
Building relationships with our students is very important. I try my best to show my students I love them and care about them everyday not just when they have had a "good" day but for some kids it looks differently because they are not use to a positive or constant encourager in their lives. My kids definitely crave structure and tough love because when I am not here or out for a meeting within school, they are all over the place. Moving down to first grade has made me realize how much they yearn for your love and attention. In third grade the students knew I was "in their corner" as Evelyn put it. Down here in first grade I have to constantly remind myself to tell them and show them that teachers and other adults at the school have high expectations and care about them. I often think about what Eunika said "we need to teach them to function without us as well". Our students do need to be able to function without us, gain independence and intrinsic motivation because not all people in society will be their teacher, protector, counselor, caregiver, and all the other many hats we wear. But I always remind myself "baby steps"! :)
Post from Ashley Childress: I agree with everyones comments! I think that it is so important to build trusting relationships with my kids before I can expect to teach them anything academic. I have high expectations for my students and make sure not to reward poor choices. At the same time I know that many of our students face challenges in their daily life that I could never imagine dealing with. I am a believer in "tough love" because I see that it works. My students know that I love them and because of that I believe that they want to make good choices and do their personal best not for me, but for themselves because I let them know that I believe that they can! I think that sometimes they just need someone in their corner for them cheering them on.
Ditto on everything above. I remind our kids everyday that they will have to make choices everyday-they may include what they are going to eat, if they are going to exercise, are they going to do their homework,etc. and I also remind them for every action there is a reaction. Do they want to be healthy and play on teams on Middle school or on travel teams outside of school? If they want to do that we discuss what they can do to make that happen. I also find it interesting to see how many of them can get their family's to just go for a walk or a bike ride around the block. If they can get their parents or siblings involved in that, it may just be "the tip of the iceberg" where they will then increase involvement in reading and/ or doing their homework.
Relationships are like bank accounts. One must invest significantly before they are able to withdraw on them.
ReplyDeleteLove, compassion, care, and concern are investments into the personal account. When we have to extend a consequence to the students, this is a withdrawal from the account. While, as teachers, we can extend discipline at any time, the student is much more likely to respond positively to the discipline, if we have made significant contributions and investments in the relational account.
This, I feel, is paramount to our success with moving children. Students have to feel as though we have invested in them in order to let us withdraw on the account.
Students must always understand that we "care enough to make them better."
"While, as teachers, we can extend discipline at any time, the student is much more likely to respond positively to the discipline, if we have made significant contributions and investments in the relational account."
ReplyDeleteI love this and agree with this wholeheartedly. I am fortunate to be able to have my students for, at least 3 years, so we have a lot of time to build our relationships. They know that I am hard on them, and I am, because I care. By now, the older ones can quote me (and they do!), "If I didn't care I wouldn't be mad, sad, disappointed, happy, elated-I simply wouldn't care". I have always been honest with my students and they know that I mean what I say and I say what I mean; when I tell them I care, I know they believe it. It's a good feeling.
Very well said. I find even with the most challenging students, if I stick to my word, they eventually begin to trust me. They may not like consequences, and they might be upset with me for extending them- but in the end, I believe they know I will fight for them. And they know I will be fair.
ReplyDeleteAnytime I have a student with me, I try to end our conversation by reminding them that I care, and that I have their back. It may not mean much to some of them, but with others, I can tell they know and believe that, when it comes down to it, I will be there for them and will do whatever I can to help them.
I agree with all of you ladies! And I love the quotes! People often wonder how I get the toughest kids to listen to me and sometimes I don't know, I just know that I teach them that I love them like they are my own children and I expect nothing but the best for them just like I do my own two boys. And trust is such a key factor for them, especially when the people they should be able to trust (family) tend to be the ones who fail them or let them down. Whenever I have to reprimand them they never hold it against me for long because once the punishment is given and served the situation is over and done with and they still know I love them regardless. I didn't realize how much of a bond I truly had with the students who came through my classroom until I took the time to reflect last year. I always think that they are going to hate me because I am so tough on them but it's the complete opposite. They respect me and know that I respect them and hold them at a place of high regards. I guess you would call that "tough love." I always tell them that every day is a new day to do better than we did the day before.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true, and curious, how well they respond to "tough love". I honestly think they crave the structure we give them and the knowledge that we do care, and will continue to care, even on the worst of days. I think some of their lives are so chaotic, they really need the stability we can give them.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has their own quotes and way of connecting with their students and that's the authentic piece that we need to bring to our teaching. For our students here, relationships are primary and academics are secondary. If they don't have that relationship with you, they simply won't perform. As I was reading Shan's comment, she made me think about how I threat my kids. I think of them as my own, and I always tell parents, "they are my babies,as well as yours, for next 180 days." In conversion, I rarely refer to them as my students- it's either my kids or my babies. They understand that I care and that is a major factor of why they chose to perform (for me). The thing I want to work on is shifting my kids' to having more of intrinsic motivation. The relationship that we will build are great but we need to teach them to function without us as well.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you don't have a great relationship with your next teacher? What if you don't like someone? Then what..?
I think that's part of the reason why a lot of these kids lose ground over the years. Students from low-income families that are either on grade level or above grade level in K-1,lose ground and sometimes fall behind grade-level by the 5th grade. :-(
Eunika, I always tell people if I don't get my students to trust me first, I can forget about teaching them anything! Most already come from a home life where trust is clearly lacking and they have their guards up from day one. I feel like my job first is to love them then I can teach them. And I agree that we have to teach them how to function without us. I often (probably daily) have conversations with my kids about respecting other teachers like they respect me. I tell them it's what I expect because it is what's right and if they can respect and behave for me, they can do it for other teachers as well (whether they like them or not). I never actually thought about that but now that you bring it up I see that I should focus on that just as much as I focus on loving them and teaching them to love and respect one another. I think I was doing it automatically (because I get tired of being told "they don't behave for me!") but now that I am conscious of this I will make sure to make this a "concept" that I teach daily! :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started in the school system I had blinders on because I thought this was the way all children behave, learn and react to adults. Well then I was moved to another school and I hated it because the children were unruly and disrespectful toward others. Then my husband told me to think about my life after loosing my father. Once I realized that I was more like these children of today then I thought my defense towards them went up. I don't let anyone talk about my kids because they don't know anything about them. I let them know from the start that I love them and that I am here for them to be the best student and citizen possibly. I am strict and firm but I am fair towards all of them and they all know that. I believe that is the foundation of a relationship with children. My expectations for them are as high as my own children and I expect nothing less from them.
ReplyDeleteAll children can learn as long as they know they have someone in their corner to love them no matter what happens.
Evelyn, I tell my students the same thing, "the same things I expect from you are the same things I expect from my own children. I don't reward my own children for bad behavior and I will not award you for bad behavior." When they see that I hold them in the same regards as my own children, they believe that I love them just as much as my own children. It's so funny because sometimes they will say, "Ooooh, I don't want to get in trouble like Jarrett did (my oldest son). Or they will say, "Remember Ms. Woodall, you have 16 children! Us plus Jarrett and Christopher!" It makes me feel good that they know that I love them like they are my own and it also serves as a reminder that I need to treat them like I would want my own children treated (sometimes I need that reminder on those oh so tough days)!
ReplyDeleteBuilding relationships with our students is very important. I try my best to show my students I love them and care about them everyday not just when they have had a "good" day but for some kids it looks differently because they are not use to a positive or constant encourager in their lives. My kids definitely crave structure and tough love because when I am not here or out for a meeting within school, they are all over the place. Moving down to first grade has made me realize how much they yearn for your love and attention. In third grade the students knew I was "in their corner" as Evelyn put it. Down here in first grade I have to constantly remind myself to tell them and show them that teachers and other adults at the school have high expectations and care about them. I often think about what Eunika said "we need to teach them to function without us as well". Our students do need to be able to function without us, gain independence and intrinsic motivation because not all people in society will be their teacher, protector, counselor, caregiver, and all the other many hats we wear. But I always remind myself "baby steps"! :)
ReplyDeletePost from Ashley Childress:
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyones comments! I think that it is so important to build trusting relationships with my kids before I can expect to teach them anything academic. I have high expectations for my students and make sure not to reward poor choices. At the same time I know that many of our students face challenges in their daily life that I could never imagine dealing with. I am a believer in "tough love" because I see that it works. My students know that I love them and because of that I believe that they want to make good choices and do their personal best not for me, but for themselves because I let them know that I believe that they can! I think that sometimes they just need someone in their corner for them cheering them on.
Ditto on everything above. I remind our kids everyday that they will have to make choices everyday-they may include what they are going to eat, if they are going to exercise, are they going to do their homework,etc. and I also remind them for every action there is a reaction. Do they want to be healthy and play on teams on Middle school or on travel teams outside of school? If they want to do that we discuss what they can do to make that happen. I also find it interesting to see how many of them can get their family's to just go for a walk or a bike ride around the block. If they can get their parents or siblings involved in that, it may just be "the tip of the iceberg" where they will then increase involvement in reading and/ or doing their homework.
ReplyDelete